I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
