I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
