for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
