We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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