none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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