So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
