Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
