i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
