and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
