When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
