Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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