I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
