I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
