I wish my penis had an off switch
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
