I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Randomize
