will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
