**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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