she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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