What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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