Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
