I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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