Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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