Your dad touched me again.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
