You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
