Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
