Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
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