She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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