Already got asked if we're dating
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
tell me about the eggs
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
