I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
