toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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