Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
