so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
