when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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