i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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