Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
