this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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