This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
