Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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