Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
