Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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