I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize