Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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