Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
