when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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