when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
