I wish I only lived at night.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
