Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
