thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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