i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
