well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
