I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
