"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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