I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
