I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
