He uses pillows to masturbate.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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