Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
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