The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
