Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
