OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
