I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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