Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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