I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
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