dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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