I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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