it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
