Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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