apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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