nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
