Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
