fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
