So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Im part way to drunk.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
