I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
