hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
