he puts the penis in happiness.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
