my mouth tastes like poor choices
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
