what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
